Better than you think you are...

It's been a month and I haven't written anything.  Not because I haven't wanted to but because my mind has been so overloaded with other things that there was no space left for any other 'thing'.  Life is life, we all know that.  It gets busy and messy.  That's normal.  And that's really all that happened.  Nothing earth-shattering.  Just, life.

But sometimes when 'life' happens for me and it makes my *mostly* controlled life go coo-coo for cocoa puffs, I lose my mind.  I like being in control, I like having a plan, I like knowing what's going to happen.  And the longer I feel out of control, the more I start feeling like I'm failing at everything.  I'm dramatic so it's all or nothing for me people.  And that happened this past month.  (Don't worry, there's a happy ending.)

It doesn't really matter what caused me to feel out of control.  I'm sure for some people it would have been nothing.  What DOES matter is the happy ending, so lets keep moving towards that.  I'm feeling like a failure, right?  My children weren't getting as much attention from me.  My Etsy shop was getting put on the back-burner to make room for other 'things' that needed to get done.  Cold cereal was being consumed on a much higher level.  My to-do list seemed to get longer with nothing ever getting crossed off.  The positive, up-beat thoughts were getting replaced by thoughts of self-doubt and comparing of myself to other people.  "So-and-so never gets tired of their kids you awful mom."  "So-and-so's instagram posts clearly show they have things together unlike you."  "At least so-and-so's kids have their hair combed and breakfast wiped off their faces." (Side note: These thoughts are ludicrous, I know.  But can you honestly say you've never thought ANY of these things before or at least something similar?)  It really all came down to this thought - you can't handle all this because you aren't good enough.  As the weeks went on it got louder, it played more often in my head, and it got harder to tune out.  Sadly, it's a thought that has plagued me my whole life and will no doubt continue to plague me. 

However, I've learned enough from my life (and enough about myself) to know when the drama and self-doubt are taking control.  Being a woman of faith, when times like this happen I turn to my Heavenly Father because when it comes down to it the only person I need to be 'good enough' for is Him.  His opinion is the only one that matters to me when all is said and done. 

Once I stopped trying to be Super Woman and turned to the Lord, the negative thoughts quieted and I was reminded of a book I read many years ago.  It was given to me by my Mother who knew it was exactly what I needed at the time.  It's called Better Than You Think You Are by Ardeth G. Kapp.  The title of the book was all I needed to be reminded of.  I'm doing better than I think I am.  And so are you.

Little moments

This week my husband started his one year Master's Program in Screen Scoring at USC which is code for: I'll be doing this raising kids thing basically by myself for the next 9 months.  I've been SO excited for him and absolutely terrified for myself.   

Side note: We had to live in different states for about 6 months last year and trying to raise my 2 year old while finishing out my third trimester (and then had a newborn thrown into the mix) was a mixture of the worst and best moments of my life.  In all honesty, it was mostly the worst with a few random best moments.  I have no idea how you single parents and military families do it.  Really, I have SOO much respect for you!  There were many days I wasn't sure we'd all make to bed alive.  Anyway, back to my original thought...

The worst thing (and as you'll see in a second, really was NOT that bad) that happened this week was my attempt to eat lunch at Costco with the girls.  It was a normal meal with one kid needing food cut, another kid needing small pieces of my food to gum, and me shoving food in my mouth as fast as possible so I could have a mostly hot meal.  I was thinking to myself, "Hey, I'm rocking this mom thing right now!" when a huge gust of wind came up and blew the beloved churro off the table and onto the ground.  We obviously still ate it because I was NOT waiting in line for another 10 minutes to get a different one.  Pretty sure it was a moment similar to this that the 10 second rule was created. And that's it people.  That was the worst thing that happened this week.

So tonight after kids had baths and we were hanging out on my bed watching a little Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, I started reflecting on how not-bad this week was.  Don't get me wrong, it was a normal week with plenty of tantrums, fighting over toys, and multiple moments where all I wanted was 5 minutes of peace.  But as I watched my oldest singing along and doing the hot dog dance, I couldn't help but smile and feel my cup running over.  Some people think we're crazy (and probably irresponsible) for having kids during school like we did.  And frankly, sometimes I think we were crazy too!  But it's little moments like tonight that remind me what a blessing children are in our lives.  I'm so grateful for a Heavenly Father who entrusted me with 2 of his beautiful daughters and hope that someday we can be entrusted with more.  It's these little moments that I want to make sure to record because I know that not all weeks will go this well and I'll need to remember my thoughts and feelings from tonight to help me push through.  Many days I feel like I'm faking it until I make it...but that's a post for another day.

The beginning

I have typed out multiple "beginnings" and didn't like any of them.  I felt like they weren't really "the beginning".  So let's try this again...

I'm Megan Cole.  I'm soon-to-be 28 years old.  I married to a wonderful man and together we have 2 beautiful daughters.  I grew up on a farm in Idaho.  Long story short - I had the opportunity to move back in with my parents for about 6 months this last year (everybody's dream, right?).  It had been about 9 years since I had lived at home for that long.  Being there, I was reminded of the girl I was those many years ago.  And, frankly, I was shocked at how much I have changed.

Change is a part of life.  We all know that.  It's no secret.  But what made me sad was that I really didn't have anything documenting that change.  I had a few journal entries between graduation and getting married, but really nothing since.  I tried to blog after I got married but it tanked after I had my first daughter.  And sadly, the majority of my changing happened AFTER I became a Mother.  I began to see the world through new eyes and I documented none of it.

So this is my attempt at a new beginning.  A beginning of trying to figure out who I really am after all these years of change.  A beginning of a place for me to share my life struggles and triumphs so I will never forget who I am and how I got there.  A beginning of a place that I can call mine. 

I really don't know where it will go but I just feel like I need to do it and I try my best to follow those feelings.  SO....here we go!  This is happening....